Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I have three wonderful young adult children . The oldest 2  girls both recently graduated  from college  and are living at home  working and saving money .
The girls were not particularly interested  in dating  until recently .
The oldest met a guy  at work  and has fallen hard . She's always been family oriented , but for the past three months, all she wants  to do is be with this guy 24/7 . She spends  most nights  at his place  and we don't see her at all on the weekends .
This behavior does not sit well with me . I don't think it's a good idea to spend the night with your boyfriend  so early in the relationship . I also don't like that she disregards her family , especially her younger sister  with whom she had a special relationship .
My position is , if she's still living at home, she should come home to sleep . She can run round with this guy the rest of the day .
I understand I may have some old fashioned values, but allowing my daughter  to live  with her boyfriend  on a part-time basis shows no respect  for my position  and is hard for me  to swallow . I normally have a great relationship with her, but I haven't seen or spoken to her in more that three weeks .
I'm concerned  that if I ask her to have dinner  with us  more often  and spend time with family on weekends , she will resent it and it willl make  matters worse . Am I out of line ?
Concerned Dad
Dear Dad,
be careful , Dad . Your daughter is now a grown woman . The lack of prior dating could be one reason why she is so over the moon  for the new boyfriend . You apparently don't object to her having sex . You simply miss the girl  she used to be .
It's OK for you to say you don't wish to subsidize  her living  with her boyfriend, but I hope you will do so in a loving way, letting her know  you miss her at dinnertime . But I also recommend  you invite the boyfriend to join  you for meals  and weekend activities . This will not only encourange  your daughter's participation , but it will allow  you to get to know the man who may become your son-in-law .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My oldest sister is very selfish . She has three children  but never wants to spend time with them . My sister is in her early forties  and acts as if she is 16 . She is only concerned  with herself  and what others can do for her .
She and her husband  are always going out  and foisting their children on everyone else . When we don't watch her  kids , she gets angry and then tells the kids we don't love them . Unfortunately , my sister  lives in the same town as my parents . I'll like to visit my folks , but I'll like to avoid my sister . Is that wrong ?
Helpless Sibling
Dear  Sibling ,
I know it will be difficult, but I urge you to remain civil  to your sister  for the sake of her children . They need you . Since you don't live nearby , her selfishness  should be manageable  in small doses  on rare occasions . Please try .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am in an inter-racial relationship . I date  a black woman  with kids . We've been together for almost two years  and my family doesn't agree with the relationship .
They think we should break up . We really love each other  and her family seems to like me  and is accepting  of the relationship . My family doesn't feel the same way  and wishes things were different . I don't know what to do . Any suggestions ?
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
It is embarrassing  to learn that people  in our country  continue  to have discriminatory thoughts  and feelings  about people of other  races . I can only imagine how challenging  this is for you .
Because  it is your family  that is against your relationship, I can see  how tough it must be  for you to build  your relationship and have peace .
You need to figure out what you want . If you believe that you, your girlfriend  and her children  have a future  together, claim that  and let your family know . Speak frankly to them so they know exactly how much she and the children mean to you. If they love you and want you to be happy, they may come around to accepting your choice of a partner. If, given time, they don't accept her and you are sure you want to spend your life with her, you may have to consider distancing yourself from your family to avoid  incidents that might hurt or humiliate you and/or your girlfriend.
Maxy