Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My daughter is having a challenge with her teacher, and I'm not sure how to handle it . The other day she came home and told me her teacher spoke to her in a way that made her feel like the teacher thinks she is an idiot . My daughter is in the third grade .
I know this teacher can be sharp and harsh with her students . I believe she thinks this is the way to get them to behave . My daughter has never used language like that before to talk about herself or anybody else. "Idiot" is a strong word, like a curse word in our house .
I want to get to the bottom of this to find out what is going on in the class room and what the teacher thinks my daughter is doing . I also wants to tell the teacher I don't appreciate her talking down to my daughter . I am so angry, though, that I don't know how to begin .
Mad Mom

Dear Mad Mon ,
Take a few deep breaths and compose yourself . Talk to your daughter again and find out what was going on when her teacher made her feel like an idiot .
Gently ask her to explain the circumstances . It is likely that something your child did or didn't do precipitated it , which doesn't necessarily excuse the behavior . You are gathering information . Listen carefully so you can recite what your daughter shares with you later .
Schedule an appointment with the teacher and tell her about your daughter's concerns . Describe the scenario as through your daughter's eyes and ask what her version of the story is .
Tell the teacher that your daughter is sensitive and that you do not want her leaving school feeling that she is an idiot, whatever that means in her mind . School is where she goes to learn and grow . Her teacher needs to be more nurturing and less judgmental . Ask her can she do that .
Maxy
Nana says,
I agree with Maxy.
First, you must lose your anger. It never helps in situations like this. You are faced with an age old conundrum: will talking to the teacher make it better or worse for your daughter? The teacher may not take criticism well and take it out on your daughter. This calls for diplomacy on your part.
Obviously, any teacher who would send a little girl home feeling so bad is the idiot in that classroom. A teacher can influence a child for life and can affect the direction a child takes. Children have delicate egos. I think we all have a memory or two of a teacher who embarrassed or hurt us. I do, her name was Miss Salt and by todays standards, she is the teacher of your nightmares. It might not hurt to find out if she has said spiteful things to any of the other children. And don't bring that information up unless she gives you a very difficult time. Keep a little ammunition in reserve. Good luck.


Dear Maxy ,
I've been on a couple of dates with this guy and everything is going great . We touch base on a lot of beliefs and I find myself always happy when I am with him .
A few nights ago he kissed me for the first time and it was terrible ! It was almost unbearable . I tried helping him out when kissing , but he was so confident in his kissing that he didn't think anything of it .
I want to continue seeing him but don't know how to address the situation . I don't want to keep quiet , nor do I want to damage his confidence . Help ?
Bad Kiss

Dear Bad Kiss ,
If you like this guy enough , you are going to need to educate him ...gently . It could be that he hasn't had much experience kissing , so he hadn't developed his skill . It could be that he's arrogant and thinks he knows more than he does.
Next time you two go to kiss . Ask him if you could kiss him . Ask him to slow down and let you lead . Take your time . If he tries to take over , remind him thatit is your turn to show him what you like .
If he refuses to allow you to guide him at all , that's a pretty good indication of how he will likely behave in the future . Arrogance can cloud one's vision . Do your best to push pass his insecurity / arrogance to see if you can discover how to please each other .
Maxy
Nana says,
I think Maxy was spot on with his answer. That's what I would do. And if he does not respond to gentle persuasion or suggestion, you may never enjoy the physical side of the relationship. Don't put yourself through that. Some people make better friends than lovers.

Dear Maxy ,
When my friend drinks , she has no idea of her limitations . She claims to understand that she shouldn't drink so much, but as soon as she is in that setting, she forgets or is too stubborn to see the effects alcohol has on her . I love her, but it is annoying to be around her when she gets like that . She is already an attention-seeker when she's sober, so you can imagine how she is when she is drunk .
My 21st birthday is in a few weeks and she is coming into town for it . I don't want to have to worry about her or spend my whole night dealing with her actions . How can I get through to her ?
Drunk-Free

Dear Drunk-Free,
It sounds like your friend has a drinking problem . Call and have a heart-to-heart talk with her . Be specific about your concerns . Give examples of her behavior, including how she says she will limit her drinking but consistently gets drunk and acts out .
Tell her that you are not sure you want her to come to your party because you have no desire to attend to her when you would rather be celebrating your big day . Honestly, you may need to uninvite her . Since she has proved to be untrustworthy in terms of how much she drinks, you probably cannot trust her this time .
Maxy
Nana says,
How much does this friendship mean to you? She definitely has a drinking problem and it is not your responsibilty to be her babysitter when you are in a social situation with her. I cannot guage how serious her problem is but she may need to be connected to Alcoholics Anonymous. If that is the case, her family should be involved. If you really care for this girl and want to remain friends, perhaps you should speak to a member of her family. If that is not feasible, you can talk to a councillor at AA.
If your friend is not amenable to help, you might reconsider the friendship. She certainly does not belong at your private or family celebrations.
Nana