Lawyers....What can I say??

Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
A: They grow taller!

Q: Why do lawyers wear ties?
A: To stop the foreskin from ceeping up their necks

Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.

You know you need a new lawyer when:
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.

  Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”
“I know the feeling,” the other says.
“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me!”
  
 Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, gutless and their heads and  asses are interchangeable.”
 
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
 The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
 "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
 The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian . Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: A bill  for a $50 legal consultation.

A limo full of attorneys was driving down a country road, headed for a posh resort for the weekend, when all of a sudden it skidded on an icy patch and crashed into a deep ravine. An old farmer saw the accident and  went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a very deep pit and buried the attorneys.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed limo, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them claimed they weren't, but you know how them attorneys lie."

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.
The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work. It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to charge him saying, "You protect the public. It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system. It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut

Just a wee poke in the ribs Gil